ONLINE WITH FAITH July 9, 2000 Issue 36 PRAYER FOR THE DAY Dear Lord, it is hard to deal with the death of a loved one. It hurts so badly. It takes part of our life away. Help me to understand and believe that you are there with me even when I stand at the grave and weep. I can look to you for comfort, hope and peace. Amen. A Message from the Pastor When A Loved One Dies Every single human being has to deal with loved ones dying. We cannot escape it. Death comes to all of us. From the beginning of time, there have been only two people who escaped death: Enoch and Elijah. Everyone else has died. Death spares no one. Death is inevitable, universal and unpredictable. It affects all. And yet we live in a society that goes out of its way to avoid talking about death. We don't even like to use the word. At a senior citizen residence, when someone dies they say, "An apartment is available." Tuesday I was looking for someone at the hospital. The room she had been in was empty. I went to the nurse's station and inquired about her. The nurse replied: "She's no longer here." "Was she discharged?" I asked. "No," was the reply. "She died?" I asked. The nurse just shook her head up and down. She could not bring herself to say it. I have a friend whose wife died. He has a habit of saying: "I lost my wife." Or sometimes he refers to her as "my late wife." Another friend tries to force him into dealing with death's reality. Whenever he uses those phrases, his friend says: "Where did you lose her? Chicago? Detroit? Milwaukee?" or "What is she late for? Do you still expect her?" We do not have to avoid the word 'died' or 'death.' We do not have to use euphemisms like 'passed away', 'lost', or 'late'. It is healthier to see that death is a natural part of life. It is ok to talk about death. Everyone at one time or another will die. We cannot choose when or how, but death will come. Sometimes at the end of a long painful illness or after a long tired life, death comes as a welcome friend. It is a relief for the one who died and for those left behind. Death is a part of the rhythm of life. Ecclesiastes 3: 2 tells us: "There is a time to be born, and a time to die." At other times though, through accident, suicide, violence or when a younger person is cut down by illness in the prime of life, death is an obscene intruder. Death is the enemy. We hate it. It makes us angry. It seems so unfair and it is! St. Paul understood this when he wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:26: "The last enemy to be destroyed is death." Death wounds us, but wounds are meant to heal. Death hurts. Not so much the one who dies, but those that are left. The death of a loved one leaves a vacuum. It leaves an emptiness. It leaves us lonely and depressed. It wounds us badly - but not fatally. Given time these wounds can heal, but we must want to be healed. We cannot be like the child who keeps picking the scab from a cut, preventing its healing. Life must move forward even though we may have lost the one who was dearest to us, even though all meaning and purpose seems to have been taken away with our loved one. Given time, support of family and friends, and hope and peace from God, our wound will heal. The key to letting the wounds of death heal is to believe that life on earth is temporary - real life is eternal life. Last year I attended a Unitarian funeral service. They talked a great deal about the person who died. What he had accomplished and how he loved others. He had a fulfilling life. He helped others grow and stretch. He was loved. But the service had no hope. They did not see anything more to life than life here on earth. I left that funeral service depressed. Thank God we know better. There is more to life than life here on earth. Life here is temporary - real life is eternity with God. Too many invest their lives totally in this world. That attitude caused Jesus to ask in Matthew 16:26: "For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life?" The last words my father spoke to me before he died at age 52 were: "Don't worry about me. I'm at peace with God." As he prepared to leave this world he wanted to reassure me that he understood clearly that that life on earth is temporary - real life is eternal life. Heaven is our real home! Our triumph is in the resurrection of Jesus. We are people of hope. We believe that death is not the end - but rather a new beginning. In Romans 14:8-9 St. Paul explains: "If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's. For to this end Christ died and lived again, so that he might be Lord of both the dead and the living." When Jesus rose from the dead on the first Easter morning, death was defeated. Jesus won! Death lost. He will share his victory with us. St. Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 4:14: "For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, evenso, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died." We do not need to be afraid of death. In 1 Corinthians 15 St. Paul writes: "Death has lost the battle...thank God for letting our Lord Jesus Christ give us the victory." (v. 54, 57) Christ's victory has become our victory! Emotional release is like a safety valve. When there is too much pressure, the safety valve releases to prevent a blow up. It is unhealthy to keep all of our emotions bottled up inside of us. We have been given tear glands and we are supposed to use them when we have good reason to use them. When we refuse to let ourselves do so, we may be headed for serious trouble. We need never to apologize for expressions of our grief. To bottle them up unnecessarily can do us great harm. We ought to express the grief we feel and let it take its natural course. What did Jesus do when he went to the grave of his dear friend Lazarus? John tells us: "Jesus began to weep." (John 11:35) Jesus understood that it was healthy to express his emotions. It is healthy to express the grief that we feel. Tears are ok. Treasure your memories. Hold dear to your heart your memories. Relive those wonderful experiences. Look at old pictures. Recall your loved one. Don't feel that you have to white wash their lives. Don't make them into a saint. Remember them as they were. Learn to be able to laugh at their imperfections and idiosyncrasies. I know a family whose loved one was always without fail 10 minutes late for everything. They planned his funeral for 10 minutes after the hour. It was their way of saying, "This is who our loved one was." Talk about your loved one. A widow whose husband died a year or so ago is with a group of friends who knew her husband. As they are talking one of them recalls a very humorous story about her husband. He is about to tell it and then he thinks to himself, "Oh no, I must not reopen the wound. I must be consider of her." Consequently hecarefully steers away from any conversation of her husband, as does everyone else. Actually if had had told this story, she probably would have laughed and been most pleased because no one seems to ever talk about him or mention his name. When we talk about our loved one we keep their memory alive. Remember their birthday. Recall your anniversary. I know of a family that gathered together for what would have been the 17th birthday of their daughter, granddaughter, niece. It was a way of remembering her. They talked about her. They put together some photo albums. They kept alive her memory. Give it time to readjust to reality. You cannot expect to just go right back to your everyday routines and everything be ok. Grief takes time. We must give it time. But we must also go on with life. If we let our grief control the rest of our lives, we have in reality stopped living. Rabbi Joshua Liebman in his book "Peace of Mind" writes: "The melody that the loved one played upon the piano of your life will never be played quite that way again, but we must not close the keyboard and allow the instrument to gather dust. We must seek out other artists of the spirit, new friends who gradually will help us to find the road to life again, who will walk that road with us." Literature is full of examples of people who have put their lives on hold when a loved one died. Their goal is to maintain everything exactly the way it was. But nothing is like it was. Death has changed it all. When we let the grief process proceed we finally readjust our lives to reality. It is not that we become our old selves again. When we go through grief, we come out of it as different people. You can come out stronger and healthier in spirit. You will have to face the death of loved ones. Know that you do not do it alone. God is with you and will help you through the grieving process. Remember the words of Natalie Sleeth in "The Promise Song": In the bulb there is a flower; In the seed, an apple tree In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free. In the cold and snow of winter, there's a spring that waits to be. In our end is our beginning In our time, infinity, In our doubts there is believing, In our life, eternity In our death, a resurrection; At the last, a victory, Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see. Amen. Glen VanderKloot Go with God and have a great day! |
When A Loved One Dies; A Sermon |
